


Platonic bro date for life

by numinousnumbat



Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: Alcohol, Coming Out, Explicit Language, M/M, Marijuana, background Ransom/Holster - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-03
Updated: 2018-01-03
Packaged: 2019-02-26 16:17:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,769
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13239444
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/numinousnumbat/pseuds/numinousnumbat
Summary: The same week Bittle comes out to Shitty, Jack does, too. Now it's up to Shitty to get these two together.





	Platonic bro date for life

**Author's Note:**

> I took a few bits of dialog straight from the comic, namely 14: The Closet Story - Part 2. 
> 
> Rated "Mature" for language, characters drinking and smoking marijuana. Nothing more than consensual kissing happens when characters might not be sober.

Now Shitty would never be as crass or as unenlightened to assume anyone’s gender or sexual orientation, but he is also a student of the world and tries his best to be a good ally - he has a pin from last year’s Pride and everything - and he honestly would have been a little surprised if Bittle isn't at least a little gay. But here is Bitty with notecards - that's a first, actually - and a speech and damn if he isn't blinking back tears of pride for him by the end.

“I’m gay,” Bitty says.

Honestly, it never gets old. “Well thanks for trusting me with the moment, man! ‘ppreciate it,” Shitty says. He doesn’t know what he did to deserve Bitty’s trust, but Bitty is, like, the best and Shitty will do everything in his power to keep this frog safe and, fuck it, happy.

A lot of people have outed themselves to Shitty, some just needed to say it, some needed to bounce off their feelings off a friendly face. Trans, genderqueer, gay, lesbian, bi: Shitty’s heard a few things. It sucks that people have to even come out at all, but if he can help anyone, he’s going to fucking do it.

Now he’s never brought up crushes before, but Bitty had mentioned the Winter Screw. “And let me know if there’s anyone special you want to take to Winter Screw,” Shitty says. They’re walking back towards the Haus, Bitty has pies to make and Shitty has papers to write.

“I could go with a man,” Bitty says, eyes full of wonder.

Shitty can’t imagine how Bitty must be feeling at this moment. “We can go through my facebook friends list, you let me know your type.”

Bitty looks like he’s about to say something and changes his mind. “I apparently like them straight,” he says with a shrug.

•••

Later that day, the Haus is pretty quiet, most everyone is in class. Shitty’s usually in class now, but the professor had sent an email that morning saying that she was sick, class was canceled, and anyone that cured the common cold would get an A for the semester. Shitty’s attempting to make a joint in the shape of a hockey stick. A hockey stick is not a good shape for smoking, but he knows the boys are going to love it. It’s a piece of art, dammit. _Lardo_ is going to fucking love it.

Jack wanders down and makes a protein shake, methodically cleaning the blender before leaving it on the drying rack. Bitty said Haus members that do their dishes get their favorite baked goods more often, in a blatant attempt to get more of them to do dishes. It sometimes even works.

Just thinking of Bits, Shitty gets a grin on his face. He loves that kid so much. Jack must notice the look on his face, and goes for the chirp.

“You look like you just made a game-winning goal,” he says, and gulps down a third of his shake.

Shitty’s in a great fucking mood. “I was just thinking about how much I fucking love our fucking team,” he announces, flinging his arms wide as if to hug the entire Haus. He gestures to the cookies and pies that are on the counter, with a sign warning that they’re not to be eaten until the party that night. There’s a smaller stack that says they are ok for eating before the party, Bitty isn't a monster.

“Bitty? Bitty's the fucking best,” Shitty says, gesturing to the pies.

“Yeah,” Jack says and gulps down more shake. To Shitty’s slight surprise, he sits down next to the Shitty at the table. “The blade needs to be longer,” he critiques.

Shitty holds the joint out, and he should have known that Jack would know his fucking hockey sticks. “Yeah, that’s it,” he nods approvingly.

“Bittle tell you he was gay?” Jack asks and looks at the table. “I saw you guys talking today, it looked intense.”

“You are my best bro and I keep only the secrets that people have asked me to keep from you. If we did discuss such matters, he will tell you when he is ready, not when you are.” Shitty holds out the redesigned blade so Jack can see it, and Jack nods his approval.

“So how do people do it?” Jack says. He’s swirling the last of his shake in the glass.

“Do what, my main Z-man?” Shitty says. Now that Jack figured out what was wrong and Shitty has the shape of the blade just about right, he just needs to adjust the angle that it’s attached.

“How do they come out to you?” Jack says, mumbling. “Do they just say, ‘Shitty, I’m bisexual?’”

“Sometimes,” Shitty says. “Sometimes they just say ‘I like dudes’ and once someone started a convo on Facebook and said they were rainbow emoji. I sent back hearts and strong arm.” He glances at Jack and Jack has a look on his face that Shitty doesn’t know.

Jack, if you speak hockey, is pretty easy to understand, mostly. On the ice, the way he holds a shoulder or taps his stick is a direct way of translating what’s going on in his head. Around the team, a hunch across the shoulders means “don’t want to think about it,” and a twitch of the lips means “that was kinda funny.” Shitty doesn’t know this current look at all, but a quick replay of the conversation leads him to one big fucking conclusion.

“Jackster, I’m gonna give you a hug right now, I think you need a hug, man,” Shitty says laying down the hockey stick joint.

“Shitty, please, I didn’t -” and Shitty grabs Jack pulls him into a tight hug.

“I love you, man, you’re my best friend and the dude I look up to more than anyone on the ice and off and nothing will ever change that.”

“I'm not -” and Jack stops and lets himself relax into the hug.

Shitty isn't surprised when Jack doesn't bring up that conversation again. But honestly, why a top-notch hockey player might want to attend Samwell - #1 most LGBTQ-friendly campus - over a more prestigious hockey school makes a new kind of sense. Jack never bringing a woman back to the Haus makes a new kind of sense. Jack being besties with Shitty “will affirm all sexual identities” Knight makes a new kind of sense.

•••

It's the Friday afternoon before Winter Screw, and almost impossible to pay attention in class. Diversity in the Workforce is interesting but not as interesting as planning for one of the biggest party weekends of the year. Shitty wouldn’t normally look at his phone during class, but Professor Wu had brought the wrong handouts and gave the class five minutes to hang out while he ran back to his office to retrieve the correct ones.

The group chat had gone crazy, 43 new messages. Either something good had happened, like they’d gotten the name brand beer keg at the cheap brand beer keg price, or … something bad. Not even registering his quickened heartbeat, he clicked the red 43. A few people chirping on an old photo they’d found of one of the frogs, and then: 

> Bitty: Rugby Gavin has the flu. No Screw date for me. :((((
> 
> Ransom: Sucks, bro!
> 
> Holster: You're still coming!

It looked like the whole chat had chimed in to tell Bitty that he should still come to Screw. Shitty left a series of sad faces, and then switched conversations to give Lardo the update. Lardo hadn’t met Bitty yet, but once Bitty had come out to the guys and said it was ok, Shitty had told Lardo all about him.  

> Lardo: You should take him.
> 
> Shitty: Me?
> 
> Lardo: Platonic date. Make sure he has someone to talk to, someone to dance with. Make it the best first dance he’ll ever have.
> 
> Shitty: Fuck, that’s such a great idea I should have thought of it myself! In fact, I’m going to do it and not tell anyone it was your idea.
> 
> Lardo: :P

It took too long to get out of class, and he honestly hadn’t heard a word Professor Wu said once he was back. Shitty had plans! He needed to go find Bitty B and make sure he was ok, and ask him to the dance. Shitty sees someone waving and automatically waves back, then notices it’s Marina and jogs to catch up as she waits. They had been the same group for World Lit their freshman year and are still friends.

“Mighty Mouse!” Shitty says and pulls her into a hug.

“Shitty Knight,” Marina says as she squeezes him back.

“I am a man on a mission, but I just realized you might be the person to give me the advice I need,” Shitty says.

“Yeah?” she says as they start walking together.

“My gay friend’s Screw date just bailed, so I need to ask him on a platonic date. Should I get him flowers, maybe? Or chocolates?”

“How gay?” Marina asks.

“Plays hockey and loves baking gay?” Shitty says.

“Eric Bittle! His vlogs are the best,” Marina says. “Come to my room, Akiko is my roommate this year, you remember her from Law and Lit? She loves romance movies and is a crafting goddess, she’ll have some ideas.”

“You, Marina-in-the-sky-with-diamonds, are going to make Bitty’s fucking day,” Shitty says.

They head to her dorm room and Akiko is there, decoupaging something small and lumpy. “Baller colors,” Shitty says.

“Can you try to open this bottle?” Akiko asks handing over a bottle of Mod Podge. “It’s stuck.”

“These hands were made to open jars,” Shitty says and four minutes later and more swearing than usual, the jar is open. In the meantime, the two women have conferred and are putting together a corsage.

“What’s his favorite color?” Marina asks.

“I don’t know, what’s Beyoncé’s favorite color?” Shitty says.

Akiko has a giant bag of faux flowers - borrowed from the theater department while she works on her mom’s Christmas gift - on her table and is picking up different flowers and holding them together. In the end, despite Shitty’s input, Marina and Akiko put together a small corsage with a few small flowers, some greenery behind the flowers and held together with green tape. The best part, Akiko uses spray glue and clear glitter to make the whole thing sparkle. Marina colors a tiny wooden "b" in Samwell red and Akiko glues it on last. The whole thing took less than 20 minutes.

“Bitty is going to fucking love it,” Shitty proclaims. “If you guys ever need a favor, I’m all yours.”

“I've heard hockey players have the best butts and we’re doing nude portraits next semester in Art310, so if you know any teammates that want to pose nude let me know," Akiko says. 

“I’ll fucking do it,” Shitty says. “We do have the best butts and it would be an honor and a privilege to drop trou for the good of art, and this flow needs to be memorialized in paint.”

Marina laughs as she shut the door behind him. Shitty hurries across campus, hoping Bitty is at at the Haus. Shitty heads straight to the kitchen and Bitty is doing worse than he feared: Adele is playing and he already has two stacks of cookies cooling, and six pie pans out.

“Bitty, darling, pie-maker of my life,” Shitty says. “I’m here to hug it out and assure you that not coming down with the plague is the best outcome here.”

“Hi, Shitty,” Bitty says. “Thanks, I -” and anything else Bitty was trying to say is muffled into Shitty’s chest and Shitty wraps Bitty in a tight bearhug.

“Also, my main lil dude, I have a question for you,” Shitty says. He pulls back from the hug, slides onto one knee and holds out the still tacky from the spray glue corsage. “Will you be my platonic bro date to Winter Screw?”

Bitty laughs and covers his mouth. “What? Is this for me?”

“Made with the best crafting supplies I could get between Diversity class and here!” Shitty says.

“What do you mean by platonic bro date?” Bitty asks.

“I would like to call the finest Uber to get us to Winter Screw together, and then hang out all night, making sure my favorite forward has a fucking great time at his first Samwell dance; we’ll take some selfies, and fuck it, we’ll bust some moves together, and then I bring you safely back home with a lemon-lime Gatorade, the best hangover flavor.”

Bitty covers his face. “Shitty, you’re asking this Georgia boy out better than ole Gavin did.” Bitty leans over slightly to hug a still kneeling Shitty. “I would love to be your platonic bro date to the Winter Screw.”

Shitty jumps up and swings Bitty around in a circle before placing him back on his feet. “It’s going to be fucking epic, for whatever level of epicness you’re comfortable with.” They fist bump and Shitty leaves Bitty in the kitchen baking and a warning to let his corsage dry overnight. Shitty knows Bitty is feeling better because he switches from Adele to Salt-N-Pepa. Mission fucking accomplished, Shitty's already typing the updates to Lardo.

Winter Screw is the next night, so tonight’s supposed to be pretty chill, just a few … dozen … people over for a few beers sorta night. Shitty’s down to his Simpsons' boxers. Jack knocks his door from the bathroom and Shitty yells, “Come right the fuck in!” and Jack opens the door to stand in the doorway.

Jack looks nervous, which usually only happens on game days and or when his dad leaves the message “Call me.”

“Bro?” Shitty asks. “You ok?”

“You shouldn’t lead him on like that,” Jack says. “It’s not nice.”

“The Bitster?” Shitty is confused. “I was completely honest, we’re having a bro date. Even if I was into dudes, we wouldn’t be banging tomorrow, he’s got some strong virgin vibes, you know?”

“If he’s with you, he can’t have a real date.” Jack chews on his thumbnail.

What is Jack even on about. “It took Bitty weeks to find one dude that bailed on him, and Bitty told me that rugby man never been on skates before, can you fucking imagine? So if you know some dude that’s into the dick of the best baker this hockey team has ever or will ever see, you gotta share that info.”

Jack doesn’t say anything and leaves, shutting the door behind him. Shitty shrugs, it's not the weirdest conversation he and Jack have had this week.

•••

Shitty is having a fucking awesome time at the Winter Screw. The whole Haus had started drinking at noon, but Bitty had kept making quiche and sandwiches so everyone has a good buzz, and no one is sloppy drunk.

Jack had come, claiming he was the captain and needed to keep an eye on the guys so they didn’t do anything that could cause them to get kicked off the team.

A Beyoncé song comes on and Bitty runs to Shitty. “I know we’re on a platonic bro date, but you have to dance to ‘Single Ladies’ with me!”

“Of course I’m going to fucking dance to ‘Single Ladies’,” Shitty says. “Let me put my beverage down and I’ll meet you on the floor.” Bitty scampers to where people are dancing, his hands already waving in the air and Shitty heads over to the table the hockey team had claimed as their own to leave his drink. Jack is sitting at the table staring at the dance floor.

“Come dance if you wanna dance, man,” Shitty says. Jack doesn’t acknowledge, and Shitty heads to the dance floor to get his groove on.

The hockey players and friends and some extras come back to the Haus after the Screw for more drinking. Shitty makes sure to stay with Bitty and keep his drink filled. He tries to introduce him to a couple gay dudes that he knows, but Bitty isn’t anything more than polite. That’s cool, maybe another time.

He’d left Bitty talking to Jack while he lost a round of beer pong, and when he is back, Bitty yawns and tells them he is going to find Ransom and Holster to walk him back to his dorm.

“I’m hurt,” Shitty says, “I thought I was your platonic bro date, I’m walking you back.”

“But then you have to walk back by yourself,” Bitty says. “When Ransom and Holster walk me, I don’t have to worry because they’re coming back as a pair.” He walks three fingers across his palm and then two fingers back, in case anyone was as drunk as him and was having a problem understanding how that worked.

“I’ll come,” Jack says.

“All-fucking-right,” Shitty says with a fist pump. While Bitty and Jack put on their jackets, Shitty finds some abandoned flip-flops in the hallway that are about his size and takes those for the walk over. It’s really fucking cold, and Bitty talks about his pie plans for the next week. They stomp up the stairs to Bitty’s room and attempt to be quiet as they walk down the hall.

“Thanks for walking me back,” Bitty whispers. “Good night and I’ll make you that blueberry pie tomorrow, Shitty.”

“Eric Bitty Bittle, this has been the best platonic bro date to Winter Screw ever, and I’d like to give you a kiss goodnight,” Shitty says.

Bitty looks flustered. “Umm, ok, I guess,” he says, blushing furiously. Shitty leans over and gently presses a kiss to Bitty’s lips, eyes closed like the gentleman he is. He pulls back, opening his eyes and Bitty is beaming at him. “Best Winter Screw ever!” he says.

Jack hands him a blue Gatorade and three protein bars. “Good night, Bittle,” he says and he and Shitty head back to the Haus.

“Do you think that was his first kiss?” Jack asks after they’ve left the dorms.

“Maybe,” Shitty says.

“I’m glad it was from a friend,” Jack says. “And not some rugby player.”

They get back and the party is mostly winding down. Shitty says goodnight to the party goers, making sure no one has over-partied and needs looking after. Everyone seems fine, Ransom and Holster have it under control, and Shitty enters his bedroom and realizes he never put the sheets on from laundry that morning. Too tired to make his bed, he goes through the shared bathroom, gently checking Jack against the sink where Jack is brushing his teeth, and flings himself face down onto Jack’s bed.

“We gotta share,” Shitty tells Jack’s pillow when he hears Jack come in.

“I’m pretty sure you have your own room,” Jack says, but he’s moving Shitty’s feet from the floor to the bed.

“Too far,” Shitty says.

“Maybe keep your underwear on this time,” Jack says. “And my alarm is set for three hours from now.”

Jack turns out the light and slides in next to Shitty. They’re only touching on their arms, but Shitty rolls to his side and goes for the snuggle.

“Bitty was my platonic bro date for Screw,” Shitty says half into the pillow and half into Jack’s shoulder, “but you’re my platonic bro date for life. Biffs for life.”

Jack’s quiet for a few moments, long enough that Shitty thinks he’s not going to respond. “Same,” he says.

The next morning, only mildly hungover, Shitty answers a skype call from Lardo.

“Survived Winter Screw, I take it,” Lardo says laughing. “Are you in Jack’s bed again?”

Shitty starts telling her about the night, the food, the drinks, all the embarrassing things that happened to other people. 

“Jack went?” Lardo asks.

“Yeah, he said he wanted to keep an eye on things, but Ransom and Holster were there doing their Ransom and Holster thing, so like … Lards, my main dude who is a girl, so, oh my god, I just realized something. I can't say more, but I know what my mission is for next semester.” Shitty’s brain works best when he’s talking, and now that he’s able to talk through last night, he realizes something very important that had been eluding him.

Lardo laughs. “I think I have it figured out.”

“Mum’s the word,” Shitty says. “I promised.”

“You don’t even have to ask,” Lardo says. “You know I’d protect these boys with my life.”

“Can’t wait to be on the same continent as you, Lardster,” Shitty says.

“Samsies, Shitface,” Lardo says.

•••

Spring semester is flying by, and it is fucking awesome having Lardo back. Shitty had kind of hoped they could be more than friends, and he had been honest and Lardo had been honest right back and nothing was on the table right now, but nothing was off the table in the future. Lardo was the fucking best.

Shitty finds Jack and Bitty sitting on the couch, separated by inches, so he makes Bitty scoot over to the center and plops himself down. Bitty falls asleep with his head on Shitty’s lap, and his feet on Jack’s lap. Jack doesn’t move a muscle for an hour, and only moves after his leg muscle started quivering from holding his leg in one spot for too long. He carries Bitty to his bed and then takes the gross couch for the night.

Bitty is experimenting making desserts with more protein and less sugar. And he doesn’t even look sad about it.

Shitty is positive that the hunch he had after Screw is correct: Bitty and Jack have huuuuuuge fucking crushes on each other and he's going to do something about it.

•••

It’s the beginning of February before Shitty even realizes what is happening. Shitty is smoking on the roof, and Lardo brought out three quilts and a hot chocolate to stay warm while she keeps him company.

“Lars, remember after Winter Screw and I had plans." Shitty is laying back and pretending he can see the stars through the Samwell light pollution. 

“This would be the get our friends to date plan, not the get into Harvard Law plan, or the raise chickens to protect us from zombies plan?” Lardo sips her hot chocolate.

“Right-o!” Shitty says grinning.

“In that case, I’m all ears,” Lardo says.

“Haus secret Valentine gift exchange,” Shitty proclaims.

“We set it up so our targets exchange gifts and fall in love like a Hallmark movie.” Lardo is nodding.

“Fucking A!” Shitty says.

“You hadn’t planned that far, had you?” Lardo asks.

“Not at all, but that’s why I have you.” Shitty smiles at her, she really is the fucking best.

After finishing his smoke, Shitty calls a Haus meeting. It’s Sunday night, so all of the Haus members are there, plus Bitty and Lardo.

“You guys know that I’m not into the heteronormativity of Valentine’s Day or the idea that anyone should define themselves by a relationship, but presents are fucking 'swawesome, so I’m proposing a Haus secret gift exchange.” Shitty nods at the end of his impromptu speech. 

“Umm, Shitty, I don’t live here,” Bitty says from where he’s cutting apples.

“Like you don’t live here physically, but you live here emotionally,” Shitty says. “You’re part of the Haus gift exchange." He points at Lardo. "Same with Lardo.”

Bitty blushes and looks pleased.

“All in favor say _aye_ ,” Shitty says.

There’s a chorus of ayes.

“Fuck, yes,” Shitty says.

“Should we draw names?” someone asks.

“Hell, no,” Lardo says. “Half of you would forget the name of the person you had by lunchtime. Shitty’s going to have it all written down so you guys don’t screw up.”

Ransom says he’s sending Shitty the name of a website that will randomize the name exchange, and Shitty’s phone buzzes to let him know the message came through.

“Each of you come see me in the next room and I will tell you who your secret Valentine is. We’ll do the gift exchange in two Sundays. Don’t be lame because the whole Haus will know and chirp you for the rest of the year.” Shitty excuses himself with his laptop to get it set up. He puts _Bitty_ next to Jack, and _Jack_  next to Bitty. Then he puts everyone else’s name into the website and puts the matches into his spreadsheet. Easy as pie ... which is not actually easy for anyone that isn't Bitty.

“I’m fucking ready,” he yells into the kitchen. “Bitster, put on those loud jams so no one can listen in.” In a few moments, everyone is singing along to "Party in the USA.”

Lardo comes in midway through, right as “Lady Marmalade” - the Christina Aguilera version - starts.

“Lars, you have,” Shitty runs his finger down the list, “Ransom!”

Lardo gives him a look. “I thought we were doing The Plan,” she whispers loudly. “Who has Holster?”

Shitty glances at the list. “Me, bro! Wait, what did you think we were doing?”

“Setting up Ransom and Holster?”

“Right, of course,” Shitty says. “I gave us their names -”

“So that we can ask the other about the gift, subtle but doable,” Lardo says. “Good thinking not letting them buy lame gifts for each other.” She holds up her hand for a high-five, and Shitty high-fives her back.

“What if we got them a gift together, brah?” Shitty is practically shouting, and Lardo puts her hand over his mouth laughing.

“Shhhh, it’s supposed to be a secret. But, yes, that’s a great idea! Ok, sorry I doubted. Shitty 1, Lardo, a million.”

“I’ll ask Ransom and you ask Holster and let’s come up with a few ideas and buy it next weekend," Shitty says.

“Perfect,” Lardo says. “I hope this works and we fucking chirp them about it forever.”

“For-fucking-ever,” Shitty says.

•••

Shitty talked to Ransom and came away with about a hundred ideas for Holster. Lardo talked to Holster and, same.

The day of the exchange, Lardo has everyone sit in the living room. Shitty’s drinking a Bloody Mary because it’s before noon, just barely. He stands on the coffee table. “Dude, dudettes, and people that don’t identify with either dude or dudette, it’s time for the first annual Haus secret Valentine exchange.” There’s a small cheer, and some chirping on Shitty’s amazing pink heart-covered boxers.

First is Ransom, and Lardo stands up. “This is actually a co-gift from me and Shitty to Holster and Ransom.”

Holster and Ransom look apprehensive. “I don’t know if we want to open a gift from Shitty in front of other people,” Ransom says.

"We need the plausible deniability," Holster says.

“You can trust me,” Lardo says and she fistbumps the two of them. Ransom and Holster open a manilla envelope: Boston Bruins tickets and an AirBnB voucher.

“Holy shit!” Holster says.

“What the fuck!” Ransom says. They hug each other before hugging Lardo and Shitty.

“Santa is going to have to bring me three PlayStations to beat this gift,” Holster says.

There are a few nicer bottles of alcohol exchanged. Shitty gets boxers that are printed with a penis on it, they’re fucking hilarious and he changes into them in front of the group.

Shitty’s trying to look like he's not paying too much attention, but when Bitty opens the box from Jack and starts tearing up, he's pleased. He looks over and it’s vanilla beans! Sweet, Bits is going to use the fuck out of those.

"These are too expensive," Bitty tells Jack. 

Jack smiles, "I know you will use them to make stuff for the team, so in a way, it's a gift for everyone." Bitty hugs him and Jack rubs a hand on his back. They're fucking cute together. 

Jack opens his next, it's a small box with cheese curds.

“Is this for what I think?” Jack asks, head tilted, looking at Bitty. 

“I don't know, are you thinking poutine?” Bitty asks, looking adorably nervous.

“Of course I am!” Jack smiles and they share a side hug. "Was that too Canadian?" Jack asks.

"No, I love how Canadian you are," Bitty exclaims. "And Ransom, too," he adds with a nod. "And sorry I couldn’t make it ahead of time because it would be soggy,” Bitty explains.

“And my cheat day isn’t until tomorrow,” Jack says. Shitty looks at Lardo to see if she noticed this gift exchange, but she’s watching Holster and Ransom plan their trip.

The next day is poutine day, and Shitty fucking loves some poutine. Jack, the lucky man, gets the first round.

“This is better than what Monsieur Gauthier makes,” Jack says around a mouthful.

“It’s because I double-fried the fries,” Bitty says. “It makes them crispier.”

Jack eats his poutine like someone is going to take it away from him, but honestly in the Haus, fair. “I want in on this fry-gravy-cheese threesome,” Shitty says. Bitty hands him a bowl and Shitty takes a bite and it’s fucking 'swawesome.

•••

It’s not an all-nighter, but it’s close. Shitty’s at the 24-hour computer lab until 4 in the morning. There's a game the next night, so he knows he had to get that paper done before then. He treks back to the Haus, strips off his shorts and wife beater and notices he has a visitor in his bed.

He shakes Jack gently. “Sorry, man, I was typing that paper. You ok?” Jack is still mostly asleep and confused. Shitty explains, “You’re in my bed, I’m gonna brush my teeth and then we’re gonna snuggle.” Shitty brushes his teeth and splashes some water on his face before getting into his bed. He lays and wedges his legs under Jack’s legs.

“Game jitters?” Shitty asks.

“Something like that,” Jack says. “I couldn’t sleep in my bed, but didn’t mean to fall asleep here.”

“You know my bed is your bed,” Shitty says.

“Which paper were you working on?” Jack asks. Shitty loves how especially Québécois Jack sounds when he's half asleep.

“It was a personal essay on how the heteronormative patriarchy is harmful to male athletes, too. The professor is going to see if The _Daily_ wants to print it. But will straight white dudes even read it?”

“Well, I don’t qualify, but I'll read it anyway,” Jack says quietly.

“Z-man, is that your first ‘I’m not straight’ joke? Well played.” Shitty nuzzles into Jack’s neck, and Jack wipes Shitty’s flow out of his face.

“I am attracted to women, so why did my brain make me fall in love with a man?” Jack whispers.

“Anyone, man, woman or non-binary person would be lucky to have you, Jack Laurent Zimmermann.”

Jack sighs.

•••

 Jack’s chewed through all of his nails, and he’s barely sleeping. Shitty corners Jack when Jack’s icing his knee after a rough practice.

“You know how you’re nervous before a game, but then as you get on the ice and it all goes away?”

“Sure, I suppose,” Jack says.

“Instead of sitting around being nervous, you just gotta jump in, you know, man. Don’t let your brain keep coming up with worst-case scenarios. Just do it, not knowing is the worst part. That thing you keep thinking about? That thing, just do it.” It's a pretty good speech if Shitty does say so himself.

Jack's giving him a look, but he says, “Yeah, thanks, Shitty.”

The next day Jack can barely contain a smile when he tells Shitty that he went ahead and told Montreal that he'd go to their prospect camp this summer and thanks Shitty for the encouragement.

“I was totally talking about signing up for prospect camp,” Shitty says. “And not anything else.”

•••

Holster and Ransom skip out one Friday afternoon to head to Boston for the Bruins game. They’re back late the next day, and it’s hard to tell on Ransom, but Holster has a very suspicious bruise on his neck.

Also, Shitty catches them making out in the stairwell.

Shitty talks to the coaches, and before their next practice, the coaches reaffirm their stance on supporting all sexual orientations and then give Shitty the floor. By the time Shitty is starting to talk about toxic masculinity, Jack’s giving him the cut it off motion.

Ransom and Holster then both reaffirm their willingness to protect anyone that needs it, and Bitty shoots them a smile, never mind that Shitty started this whole thing to make Ransom and Holster feel safer.

Shitty fucking loves Ransom and Holster.

•••

Shitty is about to go out of his mind. How do Jack and Bitty not see how over the fucking moon they are for each other? How much kissing would basically solve all of their problems? He’s mulling this all over when Lardo comes over for their 90s sitcom night.

“How hard do you think it would be to get two people stuck in an elevator on campus?” he asks.

“Not impossible,” she says thoughtfully. “Tyler my freshman year got locked in the Chem lab overnight, remember?”

“We could turn off the power so they had to share body heat to stay alive,” Shitty muses.

Lardo looks appraisingly at Shitty. “Who are you trying to set up?”

“I can’t say,” Shitty says. “You know I want to tell you.”

“I’ll guess!” Lardo says. "From the team, right?" 

Shitty nods.

“Bitty,” Lardo guesses and Shitty nods - “and Mack?” Shitty shakes his head no.

“Mondo?” Shitty shakes his head no.

“Mickey?” Shitty shakes his head no.

“Ripster?” Shitty shakes his head no.

“Poly with Holster and Ransom?” Shitty pretends to debate for a moment and then shakes his head no.

“Not Beano!” Shitty makes a disgusted face.

“Johnson?” Shitty shakes his head no.

Lardo throws up her hands. “That’s everyone, are you trying to set him up with the Haus ghosts?” There’s a knock on the bathroom door and Jack pokes his head in.

“Shitty, can I borrow your highlighter? Mine just ran out.” He waves the yellow marker around as proof that he does own a marker and his story is true. Lardo is staring at Jack with her mouth hanging open. She looks at Shitty as Shitty is digging around his backpack. Shitty tosses the highlighter at Jack, who calls out "Thanks" as he closes the door.

Lardo looks from the closed door back at Shitty. “Oh my god," she says quietly.

"I know!" Shitty says. "I thought the only thing he would want to fuck is that hockey stick up his ass, but I'm pretty sure he's madly in love with Bitty.”

“Oh my GOD," Lardo says again.

"I’ve been trying since Winter Screw to get them together and it’s not working, tell me what to do Lards.” Shitty drops his forehead dramatically into her shoulder.

“I’m gonna need a minute,” she says and lights the joint.

Almost a joint later, they’re laying side-by-side in Shitty’s bed. “I don’t know how I didn’t see it before,” she says.

“Right?” Shitty says. “You’re seeing what I’ve been seeing for months.”

“What have you tried?” Lardo asks.

“Well, the Valentine gift thing - “

“So that wasn’t about Ransom and Holster?” Lardo asks.

“Nope,” Shitty says. “I’ve tried, like, everything. I’m looking to sitcoms for ideas now, this is where I’m at.”

“So Jack assumes that Bitty isn’t interested, and Bitty is totally into Jack, but thinks he’s straight?”

“That is the cut of my jibe, yes,” Shitty says.

“Have you tried,” Lardo inhales the last of the joint, “talking to them like grownups?”

“I have not,” Shitty says. “Do you think it will work?”

Lardo sighs. “Yes, that’s why grownups do it.”

“This is why I keep you around, for the good ideas.” Shitty is beaming at Lardo. 

Lardo laughs. “I keep you around for getting things off the high shelves for me.”

“And my flow.” Shitty runs a hand through his hair.

“If that’s what you choose to believe, that’s your problem,” she says.

•••

Shitty can hear Jack on the phone speaking French with his parents, and then Jack doesn’t seem to be around for a while; no one can send Jack into his hermit mode quite like his dad. Shitty’s in the kitchen when he sees Jack sneak in after a run, and follows him up to his room.

Jack has his door closed before Shitty can catch up, so Shitty heads to his room to go through the bathroom. He knocks on the bathroom door on Jack’s side and opens it. Jack’s stretching on the floor.  
  
“I brought you a Powerade and let me stretch your hamstrings, bro.”

Jack rolls his eyes, but accepts the drink and rolls onto his back and sticks his right leg in the air for Shitty to grab. Shitty kneels between Jack’s legs and uses his body to gently press Jack’s leg back.

“You gotta make sure you’ve got someone to stretch your sexy hamstrings when you go pro,” Shitty says.

“They’ve got trainers,” Jack says with a smile. “Someone will get paid to stretch my sexy hamstrings.”

“Fucking-A,” Shitty tilts Jack’s foot back to stretch his calf. 

“I’ve been thinking -”

“A horror tale in four words,” Jacks says, and Shitty laughs. Jack switches legs, and Shitty moves to stretch Jack’s left hamstring.

“Listen, you know of all people know you don’t have to say anything to anyone you don’t want to, but I’m telling you your team would be cool about it if they knew you weren’t, you know, straight.”

Jack tenses and looks away. “You think I should tell Holster and Ransom?”

“I was thinking Bittle, actually," Shitty says carefully. 

“Bittle?” 

“Short, bakes pies.” Is in love with you, Shitty thinks to himself

“Yes, I'm aware of my own right-wing, but why him?”

Because you guys are in love. “Because he’s the nicest bro, ever.”

“I’ll think about it." Jack says. "He's a lot braver than me." 

"We all have our path in life," Shitty says. "It's not a competition. Except on the ice, where it's all competition," he amends. 

•••

Shitty’s in the kitchen rolling a joint, Bitty upgraded the lighting a few months ago and now the lights are good for both checking if cookies are done and also rolling joints. Bitty is making something that involves simmering fruit on the stove; it smells better than Christmas. Shitty tells him so. Bitty pulls a couple of bananas from the freezer and puts them in the blender.

“What you making?” Shitty asks, carefully licking the edge of the paper so it will stick.

“Protein shake,” Bitty says. “For Jack. That powder he uses is disgusting, but it tastes better with a couple of bananas and a pinch of cinnamon and he’s all ‘Potassium is important’,” and damned if the Bitster doesn’t say “potassium is important” in a perfect imitation of Jack’s accent.

Bitty keeps working his pots, and Shitty keeps working his pot, and soon Jack comes in sweaty from his run, nodding at Shitty and smiling at Bitty like he’s the one that made the sun come up.

“Hey, Jack, I can fuck off back to my room if you want to talk to Bitty B about that thing,” Shitty says. 

“That thing?” Jack asks, smiling at Bittle over his shake. 

“The thing we talked about when I was all in between your legs making you moan,” Shitty says.

Jack actually blushes. “He was stretching my hamstrings after a run,” Jack tells Bitty.

“I didn’t think anything bad,” Bitty says with a bit of a squeak.

“Bitty, I - ” Jack says and stops and looks at Shitty. Shitty makes go on with it motions to Jack.

Bitty is looking up at Jack with so much hope and confusion on his face, and Jack leans down and fucking kisses him. Shitty jumps up on his chair, cheering. “Fucking finally,” he yells at the ceiling.

Bitty is looking at Jack and Jack is looking at Bitty. Jack says, "Is this ok?" and Bitty stands on his tiptoes to kiss Jack again.

“Group hug!” Shitty yells and jumps off the chair and runs over to hug the both of them.

“Shitty, are you crying?” Bitty asks.

"Only a little," Shitty says. 

“Does Shitty know you kissed me and not him?” Bitty asks Jack.

“I call best man,” Shitty says, wiping his nose on Jack’s t-shirt. “I’m so happy right now.”

“He knows,” Jack assures Bitty, and Bitty hands Shitty a tissue.

"I fucking love you guys and this team so fucking much," Shitty says. "This is the best day ever." 

There's a ding. "Oh, my pies!" Bitty says and rushes to the oven. 

"Best fucking day ever," Shitty says.

Jack smiles at him. "It really is." 

**Author's Note:**

> I entered this fandom on Christmas Eve when my friend reminded me of that cute hockey comic I'd been meaning to read, and when my significant other decided to go to bed early on New Year's Eve, I stayed up writing this. As the clock struck midnight, I was googling something like "hockey stick parts name of." Happy 2018, all!
> 
> I am on [tumblr](https://numinousnumbat.tumblr.com/).


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